A NO-HOST BARBECUE TO CELEBRATE THE OPENING OF OUR NEW BURN UNIT
ALL STAFF INVITED. BRING YOUR OWN BUNS
We are delighted to announce the immediate opening of the Catherine O'Leary Burn Unit. As this project may not have been well-known to all, there follow herein some details, in a question-and-answer format, designed to show our sensitivity and desire for thorough -- albeit ex post facto input.
Q: Burn Unit?? Where the hell is it going to be?
A: Patients will be housed on the surgical floors.
Q: Aren't those floors already at capacity?
A: Data have shown that on weekends, there are quite often available beds, and it is on weekends that people typically ignite.
Q: Who will be taking care of the patients?
A: The plastic surgeons.
Q: Uh, what do they say about it?
A: What possible difference does that make???
Q: Aren't there only two of them?
A:Yes. And that's the beauty of it: there's nothing they can do about it.
Q: Well, what facilities have been put in place to deal with the patients?
A: As we speak, finishing touches are being put on a large sign that says "Burn Unit," to be placed at the entrance to the ER.
Q: Isn't there a world-class burn unit just a few miles away with lots of experience and excellent results? Why on earth would we want to open one here?
A: Listen, you smart-ass son of a...... Sorry. Excellent question. It's why we do everything, It's about the effort we are making on behalf of the hospital. It's our new mission: Market Share.
Q: Burn patients require a great deal of nursing care. Will more nurses be hired, and will they be experienced?
A: You can be sure we have looked into it. And while we're on the subject, let us remind you that most nurses are women, and women have plenty of experience scraping crust off of burned toast. In life, things overlap.
Q: I have a bad feeling about this. If our patients do badly, what shall we tell their families?
A: Tell them "Nobody Cares More."
That's it. I think the original was longer, but as usual I can't find it. This is pretty close.
Followup number one: the hospital is still designated at level three for trauma care.
Followup number two: the hospital now, several years later, has a cardiac surgery program consistently ranked in the country's top 100, and the hospital has been so ranked as well. It's building a whole new plant. Actual "state of the art." Go there with confidence. Times change. Sometimes -- who knows why? -- for the better.