Friday, November 09, 2007

I Could Clean Up


The medblogosphere is sizzling with talk of medical woo, which has got me thinking about the next big thing. People are already spending billions on bottled water, and now on vitamin-packed, herbal, performance-enhanced waters. And on quackery? Uncountable. So how to cash in on gullibility, desire for effortless improvement, universal needs, and credulity when it comes to pseudoscience and health alternatives? I may have it.

Here's the science: ano-rectal tissues absorb medications pretty decently. Anti-nausea suppositories are quite useful for some post-op patients, or puking people. And I'm a doctor. The "pseudo?" Turning it into gold. Or, in this case, brown gold.

So. Toilet paper, the perfect vehicle. Haven't decided whether to make it homeopathic (advantage: no need for any additives) or "natural." It could be infused with, oh, any of a zillion choices. Combined. Why stop there? I could claim ("these statements haven't been confirmed by the FDA...") an infusion of natural derivatives that integrate with and chemo-analyze feces and, depending on what toxins are present, transform into the proper natural substance which is then absorbed via your most delicate membranes (which happen to have special immune powers due to their critical location, as anyone could naturally infer) in exactly the right mixture to restore the body's proper balance. Straightens bent shakras, directs qi into the perfect meridian, which superluxes the spine. And it's soft and gentle.

I'm working on the advertising campaign;









Still needs work.

29 comments:

Elaine said...

Hee hee hee. Think there are a few people working on this already, so better get your skates on. ;-)

SeaSpray said...

Funny Dr S! You better hurry and get a patent for it...someone out there no doubt is already plotting the hijack. ;)

Bongi said...

wish you could see me now. i am falling about laughing. 'mean it when you clean it'

how brilliant is that!!!

this marks the beginning of an entirely new branch of medicine.
long live schwabberism!!! (one b or two??)

Dr. Val said...

Sid this is fantastic. France might be an especially fertile field for your marketing campaign, as I was once told that their preferred medical route of administration is pr. Perhaps someone can confirm if the rumors are true?

DoctaJay said...

I'll quit medical school right now to help you pursue this :)

enrico said...

The powerful colonic lobby is going to shut you down in the end.

Also, make sure that you inform patients that it's either the paper or the bidet; diluting the remedy with water could render the carefully titrated concentrations to dangerously toxic levels.

:P

rlbates said...

Wow! Great idea and so funny!

amanzimtoti said...

Sorry to break it to you Sid, but Aloe Vera infused toilet paper has just recently been released. Not sure what it's supposed to do, but I'm sure it feels pretty good on the hole.

P.s. this reminds me so much of the fat man in "House of God". Can't stop giggling. Hilarious.

Z. Knudsen said...

Ever since Dr. Ply established a grading system on the strength and cleaning power of the previously unregulated and, as some historians claim, occasionally dangerous toilet paper industry, manking has dreamt of ways to improve the now stagnant tissue research arena.

There was a brief period of excitement in the later years of last century when tissue scientists achieved the creation of a 4-ply product, however this led to a sharp increase in plumming related emergencies, and the houses of those scientists were subsequently rolled beyond recognition as punishment.

You, sir, stand on the edge of a great discovery, needing only a gentle nudge to make this reality come to fruition. I give you that nudge:

Quantum-Ply Tissue

Please do not attempt to discover my identity, which has been cloaked in secrecy for this comment. I would not want my objectivity as a reporter of the news to be questioned.

Sincerely,
Zoo K.

mark's tails said...

Dr. Schwab's Tissue treatment. A hole in one for your one hole.

I'd be grateful for a mere 10% of the royalties if you use my slogan ;)

Connie said...

Dr. Sid where do you even get this ideas from. It is rather comical.

Oh.. and the visual is even greater.

Sid Schwab said...

That so many have evacuated thoughts from their heads makes me feel flush with pride.

Greg P said...

Obviously, you need to change brands Sid. I sense that you've already absorbed some toxic substance.

The rest of us, of course, remain clear-headed in the head.

Richard said...

Thanks Sid for the the first genuine laugh I've enjoyed through this long week of medical school and staring at flowcharts of glucose metabolism with glazed eyes.

beajerry said...

If I win the Powerball tonight, I'll fund this whole project.

Midwife with a Knife said...

hilarious!

DC Med Student said...

"Improve the hole you."

LMAO! =D

Brilliant, Dr. Schwab.

Shelby said...

I am laughing loudly..

I wrote a piece today on the patient's perspective - not so much (well, not at all) on toilet paper, but on or at least including the exam table versus the chair.

ibear said...

Sid,

I can't stop laughing! Stop it right now. You hear?

faded said...

Here is a tag line for you. Wipe you way to being a perfect ass!

Anonymous said...

"The hole you" ?

Hmph.

The Enormous Clinic

Sid Schwab said...

TEC: it's veteran's day. I'm a vet. Take the day off. Tell 'em I said so.

Eric, AKA The Pragmatic Caregiver said...

Sid, I can't think of a better specialist to introduce such a bold concept, as it is widely held that y'all are experts on this delicate area, given that so many surgeons are perfect assholes.

E

Sid Schwab said...

Connie: I think I just figured out who you are. Thanks for checking my blog; and thanks for lots more.

Ellie said...

"Dr Schwab's (w)hole-body toxin cleanser. When you care about your body as a (w)hole. This product is created by a Medical Doctor who discovered that with the stresses of our daily lives, a hole-istic approach to a daily routine greatly improved the quality of his patients'* lives. Dr Schwab's enriched paper products can wipe the toxins away while leaving you extra fresh!"

* - (Patients involved in product testing may actually be imaginary. No refunds.)

FetchingGal said...

Love the idea! LMAO!

I've witnessed people digging at both ends. Think you could do something similar with kleenex? >:)

Assrot said...

You could use "Help prevent Assrot" as a byline on your commercials and advertisements.

:-)

Joe

Kay said...

Bahahaha!!

Eric, AKA The Pragmatic Caregiver said...

I am *CERTAIN* that The Enormous Clinic's new slogan is inspired by the Good Doctor's work.

The Enormous Clinic
For The (w)Hole You