Friday, November 09, 2007
I Could Clean Up
The medblogosphere is sizzling with talk of medical woo, which has got me thinking about the next big thing. People are already spending billions on bottled water, and now on vitamin-packed, herbal, performance-enhanced waters. And on quackery? Uncountable. So how to cash in on gullibility, desire for effortless improvement, universal needs, and credulity when it comes to pseudoscience and health alternatives? I may have it.
Here's the science: ano-rectal tissues absorb medications pretty decently. Anti-nausea suppositories are quite useful for some post-op patients, or puking people. And I'm a doctor. The "pseudo?" Turning it into gold. Or, in this case, brown gold.
So. Toilet paper, the perfect vehicle. Haven't decided whether to make it homeopathic (advantage: no need for any additives) or "natural." It could be infused with, oh, any of a zillion choices. Combined. Why stop there? I could claim ("these statements haven't been confirmed by the FDA...") an infusion of natural derivatives that integrate with and chemo-analyze feces and, depending on what toxins are present, transform into the proper natural substance which is then absorbed via your most delicate membranes (which happen to have special immune powers due to their critical location, as anyone could naturally infer) in exactly the right mixture to restore the body's proper balance. Straightens bent shakras, directs qi into the perfect meridian, which superluxes the spine. And it's soft and gentle.
I'm working on the advertising campaign;
Still needs work.